It was courageous of Billie Eilish to leave the house looking a damn mess, and it’s a shame that we live in a world where grown-ass men feel they should be allowed to have an opinion on a teenage girl’s body.
If you haven’t been following the news, the other day Eilish was photographed looking like an especially well-endowed homeless ghost, prompting discourse that will likely continue through the weekend, despite the election, the pandemic and what have you.
She appeared to be in a parking lot, next to Killer Mike’s Dodge muscle car, but it’s not clear where she was going. (Please Lord, don’t let me find out Killer Mike is hitting that. I’m jealous enough of him as it is.)
Based on her attire, you might think that she was on her way to do laundry, but she doesn’t have a duct-taped black Hefty bag of clothes with her, and I’m sure she made enough money from streams of that song “Bad Guy” alone to have her own washer/dryer.
Her outfit, aside from her Crocs, is the same shade of brownish yellow that a man’s underwear becomes if you wash it with the rest of your clothes, with no bleach, for three years or so in attempt to save whatever it costs for a bottle of bleach… I’m assuming.
She’s always been fair-skinned, but she looks especially pale here, like maybe she really has been indoors since mid-March. She might look better if she got rid of the bright green hair. Is that an anime thing? Her next album could be interesting.
Rivers Cuomo, you’ll recall, spent a year in a dank bedroom, with blackout curtains on the windows, rubbing one out to anime before he dropped Pinkerton.
As many of Eilish’s heroic defenders pointed out on Twitter this week, her body isn’t half bad-looking. Her cans still stick out further than her stomach, which is the key indicator of whether or not a woman is basically acceptable, if not truly attractive.
I think I speak for literally all black men and many lower class white men when I say that I’d definitely hit that. (Eilish is 18 years old. Otherwise, I wouldn’t state my opinion, nor would I have one.)
On Twitter, some young guy calling himself GamesNosh, who says he’s a 29-year-old former games journalist, had the sheer balls to suggest that Eilish has developed the body of a mid-30s wine mom over the course of the past 10 months, i.e. since Corona hit.
Which is literally not true. She probably doesn’t look any different from how she looked pre-Corona, aside from leaving the house in her pajamas. It’s hard to say for certain, because she used to dress like she was about to go skateboarding—in the 1990s.
She’s at that age when a lot of girls pack on the “freshman 15.” Fortunately for her, she was already born with the freshman 15. She’s chubby enough that you wouldn’t necessarily notice if she gained 15 pounds. Her cans might even grow. She should try it just in case.
She’s obviously gotten over the insecurity that had her out here dressing like Ali G, who I’m sure she’s never heard of, and I say good for her. Not every woman can have a good body, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t worthy of being loved.
Among other things.
Take it easy on yourself,