Bhad Bhabie already took black women’s behavior, now she’s coming for their look.
The other day, on one of those hoodrat gossip Instagram accounts used to disseminate the personal information and whereabouts of ostensibly high-income black male athletes and entertainers, someone posted video of her getting sprayed down with the same substance that Hulk Hogan used to use back in the 1980s.
She’s also got slicked down “baby hairs,” a collection of Kimora Lee Simmons velour sweatsuits and a lot of unflattering tattoos. Alas, she’s yet to have some guy’s hood nickname (“Lil’ Man”) tattooed on one of her cans. She’s yet to reach the age of majority, so if I were hitting that, which I wouldn’t, I’d have to insist that she didn’t. That’s just asking to get locked up!
Next thing you know, she’ll have a Nissan Altima with a rattle, a Ziploc freezer bag full of fast food condiments and a light bill in her child’s name.
Black women on Twitter were upset (if you can imagine), accusing Bhabie of something called blackfishing. I don’t consume enough black-female-interest media to know what exactly blackfishing is, but I know Ariana Grande was once accused of it. I, myself, was once disappointed to learn that Grande is not Hispanic. Then why is her name Grande? Is it any wonder people are trying to blow up her concerts?
I’m assuming the issue with blackfishing is that black women feel that white female entertainers, as well as randos on social media trying to monetize their figures in this new post-employment economy of ours, are essentially stripping black women for parts, as if they were a ‘97 Honda Accord with a broken steering column, keeping the things that are actually desirable (DSLs; a suntan; a round ass) and dispensing with the attitude, the propensity for weight-gain and what have you.
As some of our more astute commentators used to say back when white people first started listening to rap music, they’ve taken everything but the burden.
Yesterday, or maybe the day before (I’ve lost a basic concept of time), in response to this criticism, Bhad Bhabie complained that she has no idea why people are saying she wants to be black just because she dresses like a black woman. “Who wants to be black?” She asked. “I don’t understand that. I really just can’t comprehend it.”
She also compared herself to Tarzan, a white child raised by monkeys in Africa, and pointed out the fact that no one complained when Lil’ Kim tried to become a white woman. In her defense, Bhad Bhabie may not have been born when Lil’ Kim tried to become a white woman. It’s quite possible that she’s never known an African-American Lil’ Kim. Just wait until someone introduces her to Michael Jackson.
A cursory Twitter search for the term Bhad Bhabie turned up a lot of premature celebration, as if taking video of the rapper saying she doesn’t want to be black and mashing it up with another video in which she appears to be black will result in her immediately giving up her rap career, having brought shame on her family, as if she were Japanese. Her whole public persona is based on bringing shame on her family.
She was trending twice this week, during what could end up being the end of the world. She can’t go out on tour to capitalize on this moment, and she probably can’t release any merch unless it’s something truly essential, like a fried chicken sandwich that you can get delivered via Postmates, complete with a Ziploc baggie of condiments, but her streams will probably go up. She’s already got more streams than pretty much any rapper worth listening to, depending on how refined your taste in rap music is.
As a black male, i.e. a completely separate gender, I’m not as concerned about the implications of Bhad Bhabie’s new look. But I’d like to think that I wouldn’t give a shit even if I were a black woman.
Personally, I think we should strive to acquire the best traits of every group of people. When I’m filling out my taxes, for example, I’m thinking like a Jewish person. In other words, I’m thinking, How can I give the government as little of my money as possible? When it comes time to pay my utilities, I’m thinking like a black chick. Why should I pay a sewer bill, when there’s no way they can turn off your sewer?
Take it easy on yourself,