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Believe all mailboxes

Internets, Older black musicians are a veritable fount of wisdom, and not just when it comes to music
Believe all mailboxes
By Byron Crawford • Issue #42 • View online
Internets,
Older black musicians are a veritable fount of wisdom, and not just when it comes to music. In fact, Quincy Jones’ comments about music, in his mega-viral interview with New York magazine’s David Marchese—the same guy who did that great interview with Erykah Badu—were some of the least coherent, least correct things he had to say. I was much more impressed with his remarks on things like Marlon Brando’s libido, the JFK assassination and Ivanka Trump’s legs.
Jones has been making the rounds to promote, among other things, a Netflix documentary, an award he’s receiving from Oprah Winfrey and a 10-part TV biopic starring Donald Glover. It’s quite possible that he’s mistaken, not unlike when Michael Jackson was under the impression that he was receiving the Artist of the Millennium award from MTV and thanked David Blaine, whose magic is real. Nevertheless, I’m glad that he’s doing these interviews.
The other day, there was an interview in GQ that, at the time, seemed like the most interesting thing you could possibly read. In it, he revealed that he used to cop weed from Malcolm X and that Ray Charles used to shoot heroin into his ballsack. It’s since been surpassed by this interview in New York magazine.
If there really is a Netflix documentary, which is hardly improbable, given that there’s a Netflix documentary about literally everything, I wonder how it could possibly be any more interesting than these magazine interviews. Maybe if they managed to turn up footage of Brando making sweet, passionate love to a mailbox.
There’s a tendency in corporate-produced media (i.e. fake news) to edit out anything that wouldn’t be appropriate to print in Highlights for Children, as if young people read, with the biography of Bill Cosby that dropped right around the time when it was revealed that he likes to rub one out onto girls’ feet while they’re passed out on Quaaludes being an excellent case in point. These are the things we need to know!
I wouldn’t be surprised if lengthy interviews with older, mentally unstable black people, à la NY mag’s interviews with Erykah Badu and Quincy Jones, become the norm, if only because this Quincy Jones interview broke the Internets, and there’s little, if anything that these increasingly desperate legacy publications won’t do if they think there’s a dollar to be made.
Hopefully they get as much out of Quincy Jones as they possibly can, while they can, on the outside chance that he doesn’t live to be 120 years old as a result of nanotechnology treatment he’s receiving from 14 Nobel laureates in Stockholm, Sweden. An interview with the hilariously inept feminism-for-recent-college-graduates website that ran that exposé on Aziz Ansari is in order.
I’d say there’s still plenty of ground left to cover.
For example, I’d be interested to know how he knows that Marlon Brando fucked Richard Pryor, James Baldwin and Marvin Gaye. Was he there? We’ve all heard the rumors of how Will Smith really got the role on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which was produced by Jones and J-Lo manager Benny Medina.
Around the same time that he was in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Will Smith refused to kiss another guy in the movie Six Degrees of Separation. A gay stunt double had to be brought in. Richard Pryor’s widow said he’d be more than happy to have people know that Marlon Brando effed him in the a, but I wonder: If Richard Pryor was so adamant about people knowing that he’d been bufu’d, how come he didn’t mention it in his standup?
Lest we forget, this is a guy who set himself on fire freebasing cocaine and then made a movie about it. Maybe he was so high on drugs that he wasn’t even aware that he had sex with Marlon Brando. This NY mag interview may have been just as surprising to him as it was to the rest of us.
Similarly, the fact that Marvin Gaye added an extra e to the end of his name so that people wouldn’t think he was gay suggests to me that he’d have been none too pleased to have his proclivities put on Front Street. He was secretive to the point where I’d never heard so much as a rumor that he was on the DL. Though it does kinda make sense now why his deeply religious father would want to pop a cap in his ass.
I’d always heard that Gaye the younger would barricade himself in his bedroom for days at a time watching VHS pr0n, which is sometimes necessary to do when you still live at home with your parents well into your adulthood. It never occurred to me that this might be guy-on-guy pr0n. But now it kinda makes sense: If you’re Marvin Gaye, there’s hardly a woman you can’t have sex with. He’d have no use for straight pr0n.
There were times in both interviews when Jones did seem to be holding back. For example, he was quick to change the subject whenever Bill Cosby’s name was brought up. Which is understandable. In addition to the gross nature of the allegations against the Cos, there’s always the risk that someone will claim to have been #MeToo’d by Quincy Jones. A few weeks ago, Seal criticized Oprah’s BS speech at the Golden Globes, and the next thing you know, allegations against him popped up. The Illuminati may have intervened on Oprah’s behalf.
Fortunately for Quincy Jones, the older you get the more likely it is that anyone you sexually assaulted has long since died.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

 

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