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By Byron Crawford • Issue #420 • View online
If the Supreme Court could see fit to take away women’s right to choose, which they’re clearly not responsible enough to have, there’s no reason why they can’t do right by R. Kelly.
I don’t know if Arruh’s legal representation plans to appeal his case to the highest court in the land, but they need to, forthwith. Depending on their ethnic background, he might need to get rid of them. I won’t elaborate further, lest I’m found to be in violation of someone’s Terms of Service.
He might consider hiring whoever’s been representing Bill Cosby. The Cos recently lost a case against a girl who claims he had steamy non-con sex with her at the Playboy Mansion in 1975, when she was 16 years old. This was some ol’ bullshit, in that who can honestly say they remember what they were doing in 1975, let alone if they were on Quaaludes, but he only has to pay $500,000. In 47 years’ time, she probably could have made more money working at Subway.
My only concern is that I read the other day that Ketanji Brown Jackson was sworn in as the first black female Supreme Court justice—second, if you count the Notorious RBG. Was she not on the court when they overturned Roe v. Wade? It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because it was decided based on a 6-3 vote.
It’s hard to know how Brown Jackson would vote on dismissing any and all charges against Arruh, past and present, with prejudice, immediately releasing him from the pokey, returning any fines he’s been forced to pay and forcing his alleged victims to issue an apology, as I’d request if I were his lawyer. She’s black, but she’s not really black.
She’s married to a white guy who’s related to Paul Ryan. To paraphrase Paul Wall, her husband is similar to an ant because he’s related to WASPs. Does she ever listen to Arruh’s 12 Play album when they’re making sweet, passionate love? Has either of them ever broken a sweat? It’s possible that she’d be more impartial, because she has no idea who he is and she’s less inclined to blame her relationship woes and resulting lack of financial security on black men.
We already know how Clarence Thomas would vote. Based on what we know about his media consumption, it seems unlikely that he wouldn’t have, at the very least, the Arruh album with the song “Sex Zoo” on it. Plus, he knows what it’s like to have a woman lie on you in an attempt to put your career on hold. White feminists talked Anita Hill into making up the pubic hair story, fearing that Thomas would vote to overturn Roe. 30 years later, Thomas, the fifth oldest black man in America, is still on the court and Roe has been overturned. I’d say an Elvis-style biopic is in order.
Arruh might also find a sympathetic ear in Brett Kavanaugh, who was falsely accused of throwing a woman on a bed at a house party in 1982. Who even knew that was a crime? Still, if a court could prove that the Cos did something wrong in 1975, Kavanaugh is lucky he wasn’t forced to cut a check for a sum akin to the ransom in an Austin Powers movie. Hmm… I wonder what the difference could be.
If the Cos were white, would he be on the Supreme Court? He does have a quasi-legit doctorate. I guess the most important thing is figuring out how to spring Arruh from the pokey. It shouldn’t be too difficult, given that it can be argued that he hasn’t done anything wrong. That may have been his brother in the Pee Tape, and therefore it’s impossible to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that it was him.
Case dismissed!


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