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America, I knew you had it in you


Life in a Shanty Town

July 2 · Issue #317 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

Break out the Jello Pudding Pops, and the Quaaludes. America’s dad, Bill Cosby, is home from prison, just in time for the 4th of July weekend.
I’d suggest a barbecue is in order, but black people like to barbecue during the summer anyway whenever the weather is sufficiently nice, let alone on a holiday.
I’m sure the Cos will be celebrating. Maybe he’ll even make some of his special sauce.
He won’t have to sweat getting caught spiking it with Spanish Fly, since I’m pretty sure you can’t get convicted of the same crime twice. There was a Morgan Freeman movie about it back in the ‘90s.
I’d argue that any reasonably attractive woman attending a Cos function has to know that he might offer her OTC Benadryl for some malady that doesn’t have anything to do with allergies and then rub one out onto her feet while she’s sleeping. It’s the old parable of the frog and the scorpion.
The Cos himself might consider trying to argue this if he somehow manages to get locked up again for the exact same shit and they don’t buy the bit about the Morgan Freeman movie.
They let him go home the other day after it was determined that he’d been denied his constitutional right to plead the most important amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, i.e. the Fifth a/k/a Fiz-if.
They may have been trying to play a trick on him. Years ago, they told him he could testify in civil court, i.e. a bullshit case in which they were just trying to get him for his money, and it wouldn’t come back to eff him in the a in criminal court, which, it did.
Just the other day they tried to pull another trick, telling him he could get out early if he expressed remorse for his crimes, which of course would entail admitting to having committed a crime.
OJ Simpson, in one of his (honestly) brilliantly Twitter video commentaries, tried to argue that the Cos was stupid for not taking advantage of any opportunity to get out of prison.
I love the Juice (no homo), but sometimes he doesn’t think things through to the extent that he should. Hence getting locked up for trying to steal his own football memorabilia.
Elsewhere on Twitter, I saw some of the most intelligent black commentators (for what it’s worth) trying to argue that just because the Cos got off on a technicality doesn’t mean that he didn’t have steamy non-con sex with every single woman who posed for the cover of that issue of New York magazine.
While this is true, I’d point out that just because he wasn’t acquitted of 80-plus counts of sweet, passionate lovemaking without permission doesn’t mean that he’s guilty. It simply wasn’t necessary to acquit him of those crimes, because the government tried to frame him, not unlike when Mark Fuhrman planted a bloody glove in the aforementioned OJ’s yard.
And I’d add that people seem entirely too comfortable with the idea of denying a black man his constitutionally guaranteed rights just because he was accused (emphasis on accused) of sexual impropriety with a number of white women.
I’m beginning to detect a faint whiff of The Birth of a Nation—which is entirely inappropriate on a weekend in which we’re supposed to be celebrating the founding of a country based on the idea that all men are created equal.
The only thing I should be smelling this weekend is barbecue.
Take it easy on yourself,

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