Adam Levine did nothing wrong (musically or otherwise)





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Adam Levine did nothing wrong (musically or otherwise)
By Byron Crawford • Issue #444 • View online
Over time, a woman’s skin loses its elasticity. They quite literally don’t have as strong a grip on men as they once did. We shouldn’t be upset with men about this. We should be upset with nature.
The fact that Adam Levine’s wife was once a model for Victoria’s Secret is neither here nor there. When’s the last time someone even saw a Victoria’s Secret catalog, let alone rubbed one out to one of them?
If Les Wexner founded Victoria’s Secret today, Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes would have been prevented, if only because Wexner wouldn’t have been able to afford to put fuel in that plane. Chris Tucker would have had to find another way to get to Africa.
I saw a picture of Adam Levine’s wife the other day on TMZ, after it was revealed that Levine cheated on her with an “Instagram model,” after whom he tried to name one of his children.
She was still way out of my league, but here’s the important thing to keep in mind: I don’t have access to Instagram thots that extends beyond saving photos of them to a special folder on my laptop where I keep important research materials.
I would have been faithful to Adam Levine’s wife if only for lack of any other options—and that might be something for her to think about as she scrolls through pages of DMs about his side piece’s sexy body.
I consulted the Google re: Levine’s mistress, and I see what he was getting at. She’s powerfully built. His judgment may have been lacking in her presence, with his wife temporarily sidelined, pregnant with their third child in eight years.
Really, this was no one’s fault.
Would I have named my child after Levine’s jumpoff? No, but more so because she has a weird name for a woman.
[She shares a name with the first black high school west of the Mississippi. My father went there, as did Chuck Berry and Tina Turner. Their school color? Yep, maroon. What a coincidence.]
Realistically, there’s no normal name you can give a girl that’s not the same name as someone I’ve seen nude on the Internets at some point over the course of the past 20 years or so. Even many abnormal names!
It’s quite possible that Levine’s contingency girlfriend, so to speak, is a lovely person, who helped him get through a time when his wife wasn’t capable of meeting his needs. We know she’s good-looking.
We shouldn’t look down on her, nor should we harshly judge Levine. He didn’t do the right thing, but he made the best decision he could given the circumstances.


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Byron Crawford

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