After the events of the past week, a sad, weary nation is left asking itself, where in Atlanta will we go to get a handy?
I’d steer clear of the row of “day spas” in what appears to be the city’s plausible deniability healthcare district, as a precautionary measure.
Aside from the horrific crimes that took place there, the fact that there’s three or four of them in a row, on either side of the street, might have served as a hint that they weren’t on the up-and-up.
I wonder if a manual stimulation to completion (if you will) costs $80 at one end of the street and $15 at the other end of the street, and I wonder what’s the difference between an $80 handy and a $15 handy.
There must be some sweet spot, right in the $40 range, where you can be certain that your masseuse is definitely a woman, with nice, slender fingers that don’t feel like she has another job, during the day, breaking rocks.
According to the overly sympathetic (to a white perp) police, the kid who shot up those rub-and-tugs had a problem with sex addiction, and he wanted to get rid of that temptation.
I wonder if he frequented those rub-and-tugs, having been compelled beyond his will to do so, and he thought the only way to stop going was to shoot them up, or if he could just tell, from the buildings’ exteriors, what was going on inside.
Tragically, if he’s found guilty of eight counts of murder, and he doesn’t manage to avoid jail time on the basis that the majority of the victims were Asian women, he might be subjected to another form of sex that he won’t have a choice but to participate in.
Since the sheriff in the town where this took place got caught posting anti-Asian memes on Facebook, as one does, they won’t be able to get him a cell by himself, with an Xbox, and bring him Burger King, or god forbid, Panda Express.
Dylan Roof, as I recall, got his ass whooped in the shower (ahem) by a black guy who later raised enough in a GoFundMe to get out of jail, in what may have been the third most triumphant moment in black American history, behind emancipation and the reading of the OJ verdict.
Inconveniently, the Atlanta Handy Massacre took place after we’d already been subjected to weeks and weeks of made-up stories about black kids beating up elderly Asian people, leading to a predictable spate of handwringing about anti-Asian discrimination and handy (meaning useful) Vox explainers about how the Chinese used to get beat up back when they were building the railroads.
All of which I’m against, mind you.
The aforementioned sheriff tried to explain that this didn’t have anything to do with race. I wish he’d also pointed out that this didn’t have anything to do with black people, and that, arguably, black people are owed an apology. We just spent the past several weeks being told that we’re the gravest threat to the Asian community, and apparently that wasn’t true.
Who’d a thunkit?
Take it easy on yourself,