View profile

A horse is a horse, of course of course

Internets, I can't help but feel that there's some added significance to the fact that Cardi B is suf

Life in a Shanty Town

May 24 · Issue #109 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

I can’t help but feel that there’s some added significance to the fact that Cardi B is suffering from complications from plastic surgery at the same time that a new hoo-er-ish female rapper is emerging, like maybe the lord is trying to tell us something.
Last week, or possibly today (I’m not about to check), saw the release of the album Fever by Megan Thee Stallion, who could be the heir apparent to the trading-(only)-on-your-looks throne. I only hesitate to say for certain because I haven’t heard a single one of her songs, and I’m thinking that might be an issue.
Say what you will about Cardi B—that her face is hideous, that she can hardly recite the raps that other people write for her, that she should be in prison for setting guys up to be “humbled” by tr@n$gender prostitutes—but she’s been positively ubiquitous for the past couple of years.
“Bodak Yellow” was all over the radio, a while back. I’m not sure how I survived it. I don’t recall hearing the supposedly very popular “I Like It” nearly as often, nor do I believe that real black people, who pluralize most proper nouns and wear winter coats all year long, actually listen to her music.
Every now and again, on Twitter, I’ll see a video of Megan Thee Stallion spitting (as opposed to swallowing) a hot 16. Of course I never click on them. But not because I’m sexist or anything: I wouldn’t even click on a video of a guy spitting a hot 16. This is 2019.
Megan Thee Stallion freestyle videos are usually accompanied by a caption claiming that she’s more talented than any guy who’s ever attempted to rap, or some such, but it’s always from the kind of guy who would say some shit like that to drive engagement from other SJW music writer types and hence has no credibility.
This week, there was a minor controversy involving remarks she made in some interview. She said that if she rapped like some shitty, younger mumble rappers, whose names I can’t recall, she wouldn’t be accepted. In other words, she has to work that much harder, because she’s a woman.
This struck me as rather presumptuous, given that she doesn’t have any real hits. I couldn’t tell you what her rhymes are like, but I wonder if they wouldn’t be more popular if they were less intelligible.
I, for one, prefer it when a woman is less verbose. But not because I don’t value a woman’s opinion. It’s just, I feel like we already know what a woman’s opinion is. They should refrain from speaking unless they come up with something they haven’t already said before. Someone else might want to speak.
Meanwhile, Cardi B has—as the president might put it—blood coming out of her wherever. She got liposuction and better-quality breast implants, and apparently some or all of it has sprung a leak. She was supposed to wait a few weeks for the glue to solidify or whatever, but she couldn’t turn down whatever she gets paid for a show these days.
She must have enough money to go to the same doctor who works on pr0n-chick-of-a-certain-age Ava Addams, a real miracle worker, so I’ll reserve judgment until I can get a look at the results, other than to say that it seems unnecessarily risky. I mean, if she blew up looking how she looked in 2018, i.e. like the stripper who’s forced to work the 10 AM shift, before they even open the lunch buffet.
Could it be that Cardi B is about to Lil Kim herself? There’s a new thot in town, and her star has been fading since the height of “Bodak Yellow.” There can’t be more than one popular female rapper at a time, because that’s a rule in hip-hop. Arguably, this is in women’s best interest, because it forces them to work harder than they would otherwise.
Sometimes advocacy is about helping people make the decisions that will work out best for them in the long run.
Take it easy on yourself,
P.S. As a show of appreciation to The Troops, consider picking up a copy of No Country for Black Men, which has a chapter on Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, cultural appropriation and what have you.

Did you enjoy this issue?
Become a member for $5 per month
Don’t miss out on the other issues by Byron Crawford
You can manage your subscription here
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Powered by Revue